Effective Parenting: Dialogue, Don't Argue

Parenting sure isn't getting any easier these days!

We've all heard the phrase, "Children don't come with parenting manuals," and most of us already knew parenting is a lot of trial and error.

However, my many years of working with parents have revealed a few basic do's and don'ts. A big one has to do with the difference between arguing with your child, which is not good, and dialoguing with your child - which is very good.

Arguing gets competitive, wastes time, and becomes a game of, "Can you top this?" It can also turn ugly. Too often, anger and frustration overshadow the original substance. Parents should never get suckered into trying to win a verbal tug-of-war with a child; that's a lose/lose situation.

It's not good for you, or for your child, to not be ready with the energy to deal with all of the emotion, so that too often what ends up happening is that they're gauging whether they can just outlast you to get what they want.

Children are good at sensing the state of mind their parent is in. Being ready and willing to listen is good; being tuned out, impatient, too tired, and wishing you didn't have to be dealing with this situation isn't good.

Not getting beaten down by your own child is essential to authoritative parenting. It's actually bad for your child - both in the moment and for the long haul - to succeed at badgering you into submission. It's good for them to know there are limits to your patience. Your parental authority is an asset you shouldn't give up just because your child might get upset at you.

Dialoguing means nothing more complicated than listening to understand, respecting feelings and points of view, communicating fair expectations, and explaining reasons - once around. Dialoguing helps a parent ask good questions and get the overall "lay of the land," but gut feelings, safety concerns, and personal values must be part of the mix. They help the parent make the best call for all concerned.

It's wonderful to be in sync with your child, but that happens after they're clear that you can't be sidetracked by free-floating emotions. You're the parent. That means you get to say what's what until, and unless, you agree otherwise.

None of this requires threatening or even loud voices, frankly. It does mean keeping your own concentration about what you, the parent, have to see.

So when it looks like an argument is brewing, switch to dialogue mode. Let your authoritative parent come out. Once that's squared away, the real learning, quality development, and actual fun can begin.